The Difference Between Relating and Caring: Why Empathy Is More Than Sharing Your Own Story
When someone we care about is going through a tough time, it’s natural to want to comfort them by sharing our own experiences. We might think that by relating to their pain or struggle, we’re showing them they’re not alone. However, what often happens is that instead of offering support, we unintentionally shift the focus away from them and onto ourselves.
In moments of vulnerability, people don’t need to hear about how we’ve faced something similar- they need to feel seen, heard, and cared for in their experience.
Relating vs. Caring: What’s the Difference?
Relating to someone’s experience typically involves saying, “I’ve been through that too,” or, “I know how you feel because this happened to me.” While it comes from a good place, it can make the other person feel unheard, as though their unique experience is being diminished or overshadowed by yours. On the other hand, offering care in someone’s experience means truly being present with them, without needing to insert your own story. It involves listening, validating their emotions, and holding space for whatever they’re going through. This approach centers the other person’s needs, rather than trying to bridge the gap by focusing on your own.
When Relating Can Hurt
Though we mean well, relating can sometimes have the opposite effect of what we intend. Here’s why:
1. It Minimizes Their Experience
When you say, “I know exactly how you feel,” it can unintentionally minimize the depth of the other person’s emotions. No two experiences are the same, and what may have been manageable for you could feel overwhelming for them. What they really need in that moment is acknowledgment of THEIR unique pain or challenge.
2. It Shifts the Focus
Instead of staying in the space where they can process their feelings, the conversation moves to your story. Even if your intention is to show solidarity, it can pull the person away from what they’re going through, making it more about your experience than theirs.
3. It Misses the Opportunity for Empathy
True empathy doesn’t require comparison. It’s about being fully present for someone and recognizing their emotions without trying to fix, relate, or share your own pain. When we relate instead of offering care, we miss the opportunity to simply BE WITH someone in their suffering.
How to CARE Without RELATING
Offering care without relating takes mindfulness and practice. Here are a few ways to approach these moments:
1. Listen Fully
Sometimes, the most healing thing you can do is listen. Not the kind of listening where you’re waiting to offer advice or share your own story, but the kind where you are truly present. Let them talk without interruption, and focus on understanding their emotions.
2. Validate Their Feelings
Validation is a powerful way to show care. You don’t need to offer solutions or compare their situation to yours. Simply say something like, “That sounds really hard,” or, “I can see why you’re feeling that way.” This tells the person that their feelings are valid and worthy of being expressed.
3. Ask What They Need
Instead of assuming you know how to help, ask them what they need in that moment. “How can I support you right now?” or “What would make you feel cared for?” gives them the space to express what would be most helpful, whether it’s advice, a hug, or just someone to listen.
4. Be Present Without Fixing
It’s natural to want to fix someone’s pain, but sometimes the best thing you can do is simply be present. Hold space for their emotions, even if it’s uncomfortable. Just sitting with them, allowing them to feel what they’re feeling, can be incredibly healing.
~The Power of Being Seen~
Ultimately, what most people need when they’re struggling is to be seen and understood.
When we offer care in someone’s experience, we are allowing them to feel exactly what they’re feeling, without rushing to change the conversation or make them feel better.
This presence shows them that they matter, and that their experience is important.
By focusing on care instead of relating, we provide a deeper form of empathy, one that acknowledges the other person’s unique journey and offers them the space to be vulnerable and supported. And sometimes, that’s the greatest gift we can give.
Caring for someone without relating to their experience takes practice, but it creates deeper connections and offers a much-needed sense of being seen.
The next time a friend or loved one shares their struggles, take a moment to pause and ask yourself: “How can I show them care without centering my own story?”
You will find that offering true empathy creates a space of healing and understanding that goes far beyond simply relating.
